Groundhog Day

Have you ever caught yourself thinking:

"Here we go again!"

Every romantic relationship eventually turns into your previous relationship.

Maybe you always end up being the responsible one.

Maybe you're the peacekeeper in your family, the overachiever at work, or the person everyone leans on—but no one seems to notice when you're struggling.

It can start to feel like you've been cast in the same role over and over again.

This is one of the reasons I work from a systems perspective.

Systems theory starts with a simple idea:

People don't exist in isolation.

Every one of us is shaped by the relationships around us. Our families, partners, workplaces, friendships, and communities all influence how we think, communicate, cope with stress, and understand ourselves.

That doesn't mean your family determines your future.

It means the patterns you learned there often follow you into adulthood until you become aware of them.

For example, if you grew up believing conflict was dangerous, you might avoid difficult conversations in your marriage.

If you learned your value came from taking care of everyone else, you may struggle to ask for help yourself.

If your family rewarded achievement but rarely talked about emotions, you may know how to solve problems while having a hard time naming what you're actually feeling.

None of these patterns make you broken.

They make sense.

The good news is that patterns can change.

One of my favorite moments in therapy is when a client suddenly says, "I've done this my entire life."

Not because they've discovered something is wrong with them.

Because they've finally discovered there's a pattern.

Once you can see the pattern, you have choices.

Whether I'm working with an individual or a couple, I'm usually less interested in who started the argument and more interested in the cycle that's keeping everyone stuck.

Who pulls away?

Who pursues?

Who feels unheard?

Who learned that vulnerability wasn't safe?

Those questions often lead to much more meaningful change than deciding who's right.

I use systems theory alongside attachment science, Internal Family Systems (IFS), and practical tools from the Gottman Method because lasting change rarely comes from fixing one behavior.

It comes from understanding the system that's been producing that behavior all along.

You can't change the family you grew up in.

But you can understand how it shaped you.

And once you understand the system, you're no longer trapped by it.