Stop Trying to Have a "Normal" Sex Life.

One of the first questions people ask me is:

"Is this normal?"

Is it normal that we only have sex once a month?

Is it normal that my partner wants sex more than I do?

Is it normal that I have this fantasy?

My answer is usually the same:

I don't spend much time worrying about normal.

I care about whether your sex life is working for you.

Some couples have sex often. Some don't. Some are adventurous. Some are not. None of that automatically tells me whether there's a problem.

The better questions are:

Can you talk honestly about sex?

Can you say yes without pressure?

Can you say no without fear?

Can you stay curious instead of ashamed?

Those questions matter more than frequency.

One of the biggest obstacles to a satisfying sex life isn't technique.

It's judgment.

People judge themselves for wanting too much, not wanting enough, having fantasies, lacking fantasies, needing novelty, or preferring routine.

Sex isn't a performance, a scorecard, or a competition with what you imagine everyone else is doing.

Your sex life is shaped by your history, attachment patterns, culture, stress, health, and the conversations you've been avoiding.

That's why sexual concerns are rarely just sexual concerns.

Sometimes we're talking about desire.

Sometimes we're talking about trust.

Sometimes we're talking about resentment, grief, exhaustion, trauma, or the difficulty of feeling truly known by another person.

Sex is often where the relationship tells the truth.

You don't need a perfect sex life.

You don't need to fit someone else's definition of normal.

You need a relationship where both people feel safe enough to be honest about what they want, what they don't want, and what they're still figuring out.