Why low desire is not a problem to fix (and what to focus on instead)

In the Bay, we pride ourselves on doing things differently. That applies to tech, culture, and yes, even how we think about sex and intimacy. Here, you're more likely to find people open to nuance and curiosity than quick fixes. So let’s apply that same mindset to something that causes a lot of quiet distress: low sexual desire.

Desire is often treated like something you should measure and maximize. But if you're not "wanting it enough," it doesn't mean something is broken in your body, your relationship, or you. Low desire is not a malfunction. It’s a message. And like all meaningful messages, it deserves listening rather than shame.

A lot of Bay Area couples juggling work, commutes, parenting, and pressure to always be "on," struggle with mismatched desire. One partner may want more sex; the other feels shut down or overwhelmed. It's easy for this dynamic to breed distance or resentment.

In therapy, we take a holistic approach. That means exploring attachment patterns, cultural scripts (yes, even progressive ones), emotional safety, and communication habits. We slow things down so instead of people asking “How do I fix this?” they can ask “What is my system trying to say?”

Sometimes desire fades because of burnout, trauma, or a lack of emotional connection. Other times, it’s about reclaiming pleasure on your own terms—especially in a region that prizes individuality and reinvention.

Desire doesn’t have to look the same every day or every decade. And it certainly doesn’t have to conform to some invisible standard. You are not broken. You’re human. The path forward often begins by tuning in, not pushing through.