Why low desire is not a problem to fix (and what to focus on instead)

In the Bay, we do things differently. That applies to tech, culture, and yes, even how we think about sex and intimacy. Here, you're more likely to find people open to nuance and curiosity than quick fixes. So let’s apply that same mindset to something that causes a lot of quiet distress: low sexual desire.

Desire is often treated like something you should measure and judge. It can be judged as rejection, it can be judged as sign something is wrong with you or even worse, your relationship. Shame often causes us to avoid not only intimacy but any adjacent behaviors such as flirting and cuddling. These are cultural messages that are not coming from your authentic self. With my clients, wee explore letting go of unsatisfying narratives, substituting curiosity instead of shame.

In the Bay Area couples juggle work, commutes, parenting, and pressure to always be "on," struggle with mismatched desire. It is easy to take it personal if it is your partner that has low desire. Tired of dealing with rejection you pull back and stop initiating while waiting for them to say something. It's easy for this dynamic to breed distance or resentment.

In therapy, we take a holistic approach. That means exploring attachment patterns, cultural scripts (yes, even progressive ones), emotional safety, and communication habits. We slow things down so instead of asking “How do I fix this?” we can ask “What is my system trying to say?”

Sometimes desire fades because of burnout, trauma, or a lack of emotional connection. Other times, it’s about reclaiming pleasure on your own terms—especially in a region that prizes individuality and reinvention.

Desire doesn’t have to look the same every day or every decade. And it certainly doesn’t have to conform to some invisible standard. You are not broken. You’re human. The path forward often begins by tuning in, not pushing through.